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Seems about right.

My truth is muddy right now and makes me not want to write for all the world to see.

I want to be the shining example; able to stay optimistic in the midst of all the bullshit. But lately I’ve been more down than up.

Then as I walked today it rained mud.

When I brushed it off of my jacket it had the consistency of damp baby powder

20130408-224610.jpgThe whole weekend was beautiful, so how could I be in a funk now?

Saturday we got rid of a lot of clutter. I spent time with the kids. We all got a little too much sun doing outside chores, talking, laughing and crying.

Well, the crying was mostly me, not too much and quite therapeutic.

Sunday was 7 miles of hiking with my Mom. Gorgeous weather and company. The dogs were in canine bliss. Then I took a sauna and finished out the day with the kids, enjoying a steak dinner to celebrate their straight A report cards!

….a financial strain? Yes and worth every penny, given the time we had. We talked until 10:30pm and then all went off to sleep smiling. Hours like these are on the tippity top of my “What Brings Me Joy” list.

Monday (today) I went to Durango for a nutritional IV and glutathione push. Had a nice time talking with T and telling a story I love to tell. A story that makes me smile.

….Then I went to the thrift store. I picked out forty shirts to try on and liked two. Four others were so so. There were two sweater thingys. One fit nicely but I’ll probably never wear since I’m always cold. The other fit questionably …and I bought it anyway.

At one point, I was certain an unfavorable shirt was permanently stuck on and I’d have to go ask for the scissors. I forced my arms up, and it off. My scar tissue on the right started to burn.

Two sweater thingys, five shirts, one pair of owl pajama bottoms and $48 later I was completely depressed.

Crashed. Burnt. Spent. Distraught. Done.

How could I have been so irresponsible with my money? I should never have spent that when I wasn’t love, love, loving the shirts. Plus that money really should go to my kids orthodontist…

20130408-225345.jpg

20130408-225353.jpgOn the flip side I really do need new clothes as the stuff in the closet just doesn’t fit anymore. My shape is completely different. Flat and lumpy where there used to be C cups, and a belly where there used to be flat, Grrrrrr.

I drove home and met Mom for a walk. It was my only hope for perking back up. It started to rain.

Mud. God is matching the weather to my mood!

Post mastectomy shirt shopping muddied up my two days of happy happy.

I get back to my car and its dirtier than when I left it.

Look at the hood of my car ><br/20130408-230303.jpg Somehow I remember that it is important to show all the parts of myself: The Good, The Bad and The Muddy

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7 thoughts on “The Good, The Bad & The Muddy

  1. Normal. From all I know about this journey the ups and downs you are going through are normal. I am very lopsided. B on left side D on the right. I’ve tried laughingly telling myself that is my “unique feature”. I’ve tried padded ,preshaped bras. I have sensitive skin that gets very iritated with those. Need ventilation in that area. So I wear jackets and overshirts. I repeat “I cried because I had no shoes and then I met a man who had no feet.” I’ve used that one since I was a teen. And then the other day, we went to breakfast, me in my overblouse. In proudly walked a young lady, slim, wellgroomed 30ish. She was wearing shorts. And in place of one leg was a metal prosthesis (sp)?. And I worry about this half a boob! That will do it for a while! I may start wearing tank tops again! You take care. Big hug! Normal and you will get through it.

    • Thank you Sandy. It is true. Both that this is normal and that it could be a whole lot worse! I’m counter balanced with days if extreme gratitude, thank God. In the past I would have beaten myself up for having these thoughts and episodes of depression, but now I try to let myself feel it. Not to become it, but to feel it knowing that it will pass.

      For as long as I can remember I’ve done this thing… When I see someone with a missing part, like the girl you described, I’ll squeeze the muscles all around that part on my own body, saying “Thank You, Thank You, Thank You”. Sometimes its a part that needs assistance, like a tooth or and eye and I’ll use my hand to push hard on that area along with the muscle squeezing
      thank you-ing. Its a little OCD. Now I’m wondering if I ever did that with my boobs?!

  2. The good stuff really happened and it isn’t wiped out because some lesser stuff followed. You’ve made me wonder what it is that is good about good? In the story you tell, it seems to me that the good part might be coming from connection with loved ones (four leggeds included) and connection with our beautiful home. That’s a hard act to follow for a thrift store shirt. But then, those clothes at the thrift store might have a love story of connection, too. And the money? Your shopping wasn’t frivolous, it was honest effort. No criticism should attach to that. You are an admirable person. And you are every day, even though when you look at things through a microscope it might not seem like it. Step away from the microscope, my friend.

    • I didn’t realize they were doing it for the May event. I hosted a free public screening of her October event three years ago and our meditation group hosted it the following year (when it got snowed in and they had no electricity!)

      ….a little secret (blog about it to follow of course) ….the plan is, I’ll be sitting with her in 5 days!

      • Wowsa! You made it happen! Can’t wait for your report. That is just wonderful. Crazy, isn’t it, how things turn out? I am so happy for you. Outstanding.

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